Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
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