next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
