1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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