Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
