So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
