i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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