Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Randomize
