did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Randomize
