Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
