I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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