i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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