He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
