I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
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