She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
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She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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