when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
