i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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