Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Randomize
