The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize