they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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