dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
