I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
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It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
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there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
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