I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
