i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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