Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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