My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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