No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
