So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
