You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
