This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Randomize
