He uses pillows to masturbate.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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