now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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