jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
