I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
