I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
