The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
