My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
