My underwear smells like fireworks.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
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