If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
