i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
