do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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