alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
