I think I died a long time ago.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
