My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Randomize
