who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize