And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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