Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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