I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
