An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
this just has baby written all over it
people are starting to question the shark bite story
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Randomize
