True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I have peed in a lot of sinks
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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