why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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