The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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