VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
