remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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