its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
