"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Randomize
