piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Randomize
