Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
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Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
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I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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