ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
