I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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