I looked at my own cervix.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
