Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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