Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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