i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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