Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
